Sunday, October 30, 2011

Chicken Soup


This was more than a few years ago, Dr. Stanley Jonas, a friend and a great doctor says,
"Howard you need to have your colon examined." 
"Does it hurt?  "
"Nah, They have this new scope that shows the colon on a TV.  The colon has no nerve endings. You wont feel anything, its quick and painless ."   He recommends a doctor and  has his secretary call for an appointment. I call that doctor's office and his assistant gives me a date, a time, and a room number at Mt. Sinai hospital..



Despite my protests Rae insists, she wants to go with me.  We are on the third floor on a hallway with the entrances of most rooms covered with heavy see-thru plastic.  White wall plaster all over the plastic. The hospital is renovating.  We find this  narrow hallway with a few chairs against the wall on one side, and door knobs on doors to letter numbered rooms on the other.  Rae takes a seat and I find and go to the floor reception desk.  I tell the nurse who I am and she says go wait in the hall (the one I came from)  and she will tell the doctor I'm there.  After about 10 minutes the doctor arrives, we all say hello, he leads me to one of the rooms and we go in.  Its a very small room.  Maybe seven and half feet wide and at best ten feet long.
At the near end of the room there is a 12" TV on a flat oval top table, against the wall, with about  a foot or two between it and the  exam table. The TV is on, with the glowing screen showing snow. 

You will feel something cold,
Another table, this one rectangular is alongside the side wall and has about a foot or so clearance from the exam table. Doc is sitting  beside it, against the wall, and behind the lengthwise exam table , where he can easily reach a patient. He says, " Take off your pants and shorts, get on the table and lay on your right side.  "On the table to his left , is a hi fi tuner look-alike gadget.  He is  holding something attached to one end of it..  Its black  and looks a like a skinny cattle prong.  On the other end of the gadget are some knobs and a switch. The extendable prong has  2 black wires running along the bottom.  At the end of the wires,  is a very small solid glass bulb  and what looks like the shiny half of a large BB type pellet. He flips the switch,  the bulb lights up and the TV gets brighter.   He smothers the entire, about 14" prong, with some goo, looks like Vaseline, and says,
"This will be over in a minute"
WOOOOOOOOPs.  I feel something cold slipping in, someplace.
Fat worm?
The TV shows something entering what looks like a cave and resembles the inside of a very fat red worm. The probe works its way further and further into the cave until we see a little stalactite hanging from the roof just before the end of the cave..  Doc says, 
"Ahaa"  What  looks like a small see thru  strainer basket, on one wire, just under the light,  pops out and works its way entirely around the stalactite, like a snare, until the top of the basket is flush with the wall, and then a small blade comes out and cuts it off.  Plop, its in the basket.  The prong  starts to move backwards, slowly, until its removed completely.  Doc shows me what's in the basket. And says, 
"There's the little 'bugger' (pun I guess)."  It doesn't look big.  A very soft gooey glob of internal flesh. We'll just send him up to the lab to make sure everything is ok.  He hands me some Kleenex which I use and throw into a lift up top, container, lined with a plastic bag. ..
Doc now turns the basket on the wire so its cargo falls into a glass tube filled with some liquid. He says,
"That's it.  Put your shorts and pants back on and you can  leave."  I look at him, the whole episode didn't take more than ten minutes.  I say, very loud, OHHHHHH!!!  OHHHHHHHHH!!!
"Whats the matter? Whats the matter?"
"WOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  Even louder.
Mr. Kaufman.  What is it Mr. Kaufman??  What is it??   I say,
"Listen Doc.  My wife is just outside the door, waiting.  If I go out this fast she might think it was not a big deal.  But if she heard me, and I think she did, that's different.   I'll get some TLC, some chicken soup and other goodies.  And she happens to be a good cook, I may even get some home baked key lime pie,.  Please, let me take an extra minute or two."

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Friday, October 28, 2011

You're FIRED!!!


Darlene, a Miami Beach City staff member at North Shore tennis Park, says,
'Mr. Irvine (head of the  recreation Dept.) called and left a message for you to see him in his office today, after 2 and before 4."
"Thank you Darlene."
"Hey Bill, whats up?"
"Bad news Howard, we have to terminate your contract with the City." (authorization to run a  city kids tennis program for $0.00 per year.)
"What's the reason Bill?"
"We received a letter about you and its signed by about 50 people."
"Can I see the letter?"
"I suppose so, come into my office I'll get it."
I'm sitting in a chair facing his desk while he gets a manila folder and takes out of it a letter on tablet paper , which he hands  to me..Its not signed but there are signatures from top to bottom on the other side.
After a minute or two Bill says. "What are you smiling about? "   
"Bill, This letter is complimentary to me,  You can't use this to terminate me"  
"What?"
"Let me read it to you.  There are 4 numbered items. #1 says, 'Howard is not a very good tennis player and he should not be trying to teach tennis to kids.'  #2 Says, "Howard is not a nice person and should be kept away from kids."
"That's complimentary?"
" Wait a minute, . . . .#3 says 'He spends a lot of time on the court with Victor.  Much more time with him than what he spends with my son Mike and the other kids."
"Bill, very frankly that's the reason for the letter.  His job lets him off early enough for him to pick his kid up from school every day , and get him to the park before any of the other kids. Then he puts him on the court where I work with the kids.  Every single day. There are too many kids.  I have time for about one lesson a week for each kid. .plus I  monitor them when they are on the court playing,  As for Victor, his mother has three jobs and I do help him a little more. I explained that to Mike and told him, I'll work with you once a week, maybe twice if I have time. He understands, but I guess his dad is not happy about it.   There are  . . . . ."
"OK, I get your point.  Forget it."  He takes the letter from me, starts to leave the office and says, " I have a meeting in the manager's conference room in five minutes."

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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Dog story

My tee shot was a grounder, off the 12th tee.  It goes over by Bayshore's maintenance shack so I ask a workman at the shack if he saw a ball come thisaway..  He says, no, but do you want a dog.  I didn't say anything about a dog.   The next thing I know he shows me 2 puppies that can walk and were at that stage when puppies are their adorablist. They were mostly Labrador Retrievers, he said, . . . . . ...
When I was about 6 or 7 we got a mostly chow dog, Mitzi.  My mother and dad liked that dog. My brother and sister liked and had fun with the dog.  But Mitzi and I, it was love at first sight. It was one of those special happenings.  After Mitzi was with us for about 2 years my aunt Ella rented a half of a house for the summer in Atlantic City.  She invited us to stay for a couple of weeks.  But, no dog.  I tried everything, I even said I didn't want to go. When we came back from the shore Mitzi had a huge flea problem and the house had so many fleas I could describe a flea in full detail..  Mom and dad did try everything within reason to rid the house of the fleas.  Finally one day my father came home and announced that Mitzi was now living with a friend of his who had a farm in New Jersey.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It happened while Rae was on her way home from elementary school, a dog attacked and bit her.  She had to be treated by a doctor and take some shots.  After that she would go out of her way to keep a distance the  size of a 'football field' between her and any dog. Once we went into a store where a nicely dressed woman was carrying a little Mexican dog that looked like a not too large mouse with big ears.  It was shivering and shying away from anyone big or small.  But, as soon as this shaking shrimp saw Rae he started barking as if he thought he was Leo the Lion..  Rae ran out of  the store and would not come back in until the women left.

 . . . . . . . . . . . . .One of the dogs had a short tail. About an inch an a half.  The worker said he had dropped a tool box on it and had to remove the rest of her tail..  Her name was Samantha and if he didn't find a home for the dogs he would have to take them both to the dog pound.  So, I put  Samantha in the cart and she became our 5th while we finished the round.  It was as if someone had told her exactly what to do to charm the foursome, except of course, for Ben.   Unless you were a pigeon like me, if you even coughed while Ben was walking toward his ball, he would swear never to play with you again.  Once when, Ben and I were riding together, and I thought the cart was in his line of sight, I put the gear in reverse, intending to back away.  The cart makes a beep when you put it into reverse.  When Ben heard the cart's reverse sound he stormed over, took his bag off of the cart, put it on his shoulder and walked back to the clubhouse.  Naturally I was up a coupla holes at the time.

Rae never yelled.  When I came into the house with the dog, her voice reached a volume I had never heard.  I promised I would take Samantha back to the course and I could hear Rae lock the door after she pushed me out..  I did not go to the golf course.  I waited until it was a little dark and then I left Samantha in the car while I went back into the house. I lied.  I said I had returned to the course but it was too late and I couldn't find anyone who would take the dog.  And now it was so late, we just couldn't put her outside at  nite.  And with  the kids, who were home, and for once on my side, Rae weakened, just a tad.. She said,
"You put that dog in the bathroom and after we have dinner I'm going into the bedroom and I'm not coming out while that animal is in the house."  

Again it was if  someone was talking to Sam and telling her exactly what to do.  Even if you didn't like dogs, watch her for just a few minutes, and you knew why other people did.  Somehow an agreement between Rae and the kids was worked out.  Samantha had to stay in one of the kids' rooms at all times and they would take complete care of her.

Samantha and I would go for walks around the block.  There were only a few other dogs in the neighborhood but there were many kids, and most of them were afraid of dogs.  We were getting new New York transplants all the time.  They all had a few kids and every one of the kids was afraid of dogs. In the beginning,  during our walk,  Samantha would follow behind me.  When I saw a kid, I would say,
"Please, please don't scare my dog. She's very afraid of kids.  Please don't scare her."  And then she would come into view. giving them a wide birth.  It wasn't long before Sam was walking ahead of me and would run up to the kids who now were actually waiting to play with her.  They would pull her tail, pull her ears and even try to ride on her.  And Samantha just loved the kids.  And when she saw a new kid she would lag behind, until I prepared the way.  I think Samantha and I knew the best thing about kids.  They are not adults.


Go sniff somewhere else.
And whenever another dog came up, she knew exactly how to handle them.  If they persisted in sniffing and getting fresh, she would simply sit down.  Unbelievable to see. 
A new dog came on the block, a German Shepard, 4 or 5 months old already bigger than Samantha.  Right away they nuzzled each other and then they would go side by side and this continued until we reached our house.  When I opened the door Samantha went in and the other guy went around me and just followed her into the kitchen, where he ate her entire dinner.  With Sam watching.  Good thing Rae wasn't home and, the new guy lived around the corner and on the other side of the block.

Another trait Sam had, she never crossed the street.  Except this one time when a cat came from out of nowhere on our side and crossed to the other side.  Sam followed and then went slowly up to the cat who promptly smacked her right in the face.  Sam didn't make a sound, she jumped at impact landing a few feet away, turned and looked at that cat with a look that I can only describe as complete amazement.  I never saw her cross a street after that.  She would come to the end of a pavement, where the street began, we don't have curbs, and sit down and wait for me to pick her up and carry her to the other side.  I always was very confident in her and even in a strange area she would always do the same thing, whether the street had curbs or not.  She would go up to the street, sit down, and wait for me.

At the entrance to our house is the living room, a rectangular  area leading to the Florida room. The right side of the living room wall hides 2 rooms, a den and a dining room. 


Making a right turn at the front door leads to a door entrance to a windowed den and if you continue there is a door to the master bedroom and bath. If you do not open the bedroom door but turn left thru another door, which we leave open, you're in the dining room which  ends just short of  the Florida room.  If you make a right turn at the end of the dining room, you go into the kitchen area.  The entire area, living room, den and dining room has marble floors. Both sliding doors, to the den and dining room remain open, so you can walk an unbroken loop around and around. 
No 'football field' here.
Samantha and I would play a game that I called 'Wild Animule.'  I would continuously shout 'wild animule, wild animule' ' and start running around the loop,living room, den, dining room or vice-versa. When I  had a big lead I would stop and go left (or right) after going thru one of the doors and Samantha barking and barking, her legs slip sliding on the floor, when suddenly, I was behind her and now going in the opposite direction.  She never got tired before I did.  And then she would jump up on me and I would fall to the floor and we would play soft wrestle.  What a terrific memory.

Rae became so attached to Samantha we would never go on a trip without taking Sam or making arrangements for her care at home.  Her uncle Dave would come and baby sit Sam and the house..  Samantha was with us for 17  of those HEA years .


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Thursday, October 20, 2011

Jackie Gleason Theater






And away we go!!
 Some time ago Rae and I went to a show at the Gleason Theater.  I see a guy in the lobby that I know very well, but Rae had never met him.  So we go over and I say, "Rae this is . . . . .",
I couldn't remember his  name.  He says,
"What the hell is the matter with you Howard?"
I say, "I don't know.  This is the first time I got old.  Maybe next time I will be able to answer your question".



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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A piece of ass.


Donkey, or Ass.
Last year my granddaughter, Melinda, received an email before the Thanksgiving day holiday which said the following;
"When the the Pilgrims  prepared the meal for their 'feast of thanks', if they had used a donkey, instead of a cow or turkey, we could all be having a piece of ass to celebrate Thanksgiving"
Thank you Melinda

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Friday, October 14, 2011

Rae and more of HEA


Howard & Rae


I help kids learn to play tennis and its almost time  for me to leave for Moore Park.  Rae says,
"Why do you always disagree with me?"
"What are you talking about? I always agree with you."
"Well last night you agreed with Marilyn when she said Alicia lived in Atlantic City, after I said she lived in Vineland"
"That's not disagreeing with you, she does live in Atlantic City"  Too late, she gave me one of her better pinches."
I'm working with this 12 year old at the park and I'm at the net. A big kid on the adjoining court takes a wild swing  and belts a ball which comes directly at me, and WHACKS me in the ribs. BANG!!!


Its late and we're getting ready for bed, the TV is on.  I make sure Rae can see me as I take off my shirt.
"What in the world is that??"
"This? Its nothing, I can hardly feel it?
"But how . . . .I mean. . . .
"Well I don't want to say anything,  Don't you remember pinching me?"
"I did that?"
"The body makes bruises look much worse as we get older."
"Ohhhhh, Howard . . . .
The rest of the evening was very pleasant, and that beautiful, very ugly bruise mark remained visible for almost two months. 

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